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Sometimes it’s hard

Sometimes it is hard being a mother, especially when you find out that you are taking your son to Vanderbilt for surgery to have a plastic tube placed inside his body. Daniel has been diagnosed with hydrocephalus, (water on the brain) the cerebral spinal fluid had been collecting and pooling in his head due to him having an intraventricle hemorrhage, which is a bleed inside the ventricles in his brain. This bleed I was told happened while I was pregnant with him or it happened from a traumatic birth. Daniel’s head has always been large but we just thought it was genetic, because Matt has a big head.

We had a cat scan and an MRI done and then we saw a neurologist, which told us Daniel needed a shunt placed. The shunt will go from his head down into his stomach and help the fluid drain so no possible damage would be caused. Mind you Daniel had no other symptoms besides a big head, and I praise God for that. This shunt is a lifetime thing though, unless God decides otherwise. So we went for the surgery, and luckily Matt’s sister lives in Nashville so we would just drive up and stay with them for the night.

I cannot describe the feeling you get when you have to hand your baby over to the doctors to perform surgery. You feel so helpless as a parent. You have to trust in these doctors and also trust that God is guiding their hands. I carried this baby for 9 months and now I have to give him to some strangers who are going to cut him open! I only cried twice when I found out that Daniel had hydrocephalus, but when I handed him over to have surgery, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do so far being a mother. This was harder then labor. I went to the hospital cafeteria to grab a quick bite because I had not eaten all day. My Mom was upstairs in the waiting room watching our luggage, and after I ate I ran up to the waiting room and broke down.

Daniel was only in surgery for 45 minutes and it did seem to go by fast. We had to wait until he woke up in recovery to go see him. I think it took him about an hour or so to wake up. The nursers were great, they rocked him until he woke up. Another hard part is actually seeing your baby with an iv hooked up to machines with incisions on his head and stomach. I do not think I realized wow he had surgery, until I actually saw him. He did great and the surgery was a success.

We stayed the night in the hospital for one night so they could monitor him. He did remarkably well, as long as he had the tylenol with codine. We made it through the night, even with the nurses coming in to wake us up to check his vitals. We got discharged around noon, and were told the signs and symptoms to look for if the shunt was malfunctioning or infected. Of course that makes me a nervous wreck. One of the signs of the shunt malfunctioning is vomiting. Well, Daniel vomited in the car on the way back to Chattanooga, and then he vomited two more times when we got home. You can imagine what I was feeling. It was just after affects from the anesthsia thankfully.

After a couple of days being back home it was like I was over worried and alert to everything Daniel did, I was scared. Then all the sudden I got mad, mad that this had to happen to my son. I had no idea that I would get mad. I went through so many emotions. First I was shocked, then scared, then I was o.k. with it, scared again, and then mad. I was feeling pretty mad one day, and I just prayed to God and asked him to help me. It was amazing how over the next couple of days the madness started to go away and God was filling me back up with his love. He was letting me know that He is still here, and he is bigger than hydrocephalus. I know there is a reason why Daniel has this, who knows it could be his testimony. Daniel has no brain damage and is developing normally and had no symptoms. God has taken care of and touched my sweet baby boy.

Everyday is sweeter now, and every moment I try to savor. God is up to something, and He has a great plan for Daniel. All I can say is enjoy every moment, even if your house isn’t clean, or your laundry is not done, all that does not matter in the least. I am thankful that God brought Daniel into my life, he gives me something to live for. He is my angel.

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